I have been spending this week pouting. I will admit it. This summer is not what I planned. I had hoped for a trip to Europe, that got canceled for the second summer in a row because life happens. I hoped for a backup trip to Nashville. We had to cancel that. Our family has been rocked again with cancer, and this summer is about taking care of my in-laws as we navigate a new normal. I have a summer now filled with part of each and every day taking care of and spending time with people that have supported me throughout my married life. And I am grateful because it has opened my eyes to what we will all face someday, and that is the reflection on how we lived our life. I have learned to sit, and to listen, and to be present. It is a skill apparently I need to relearn, as I have discovered that I am not good at it. It is hard to not be running at 100 miles an hour every day. I have also learned that life is short, even if you live into your 80’s and beyond, there will never be enough time to do all the things you want to do.
I am not a nurse. I established that years ago when my dad had a stroke. I relearned that when my mom passed away last spring from brain cancer. I am a great support system in other ways, but daily nursing care has to be left to others stronger than I. But I am a great listener to stories, and an encourager when things seem bleak. I am a great cook, and I come in daily with new things for people to try, and to organize lunches and snacks and things that can be heated up at a moments notice. I am good at distracting people into thinking about other things than doctor’s appointments, What I have learned most of all in this past month is that I have learned to be present, to just be in the moment right in front of me. That is not something I normally do.
My normal is to be extremely busy. I create lists and lists within lists of things I need to accomplish, and I check them off or move them to a new list at the end of every day. I don’t really know how to function if my calendar is not full of things I need to go do, see, or act upon. And most of the time that works for me, I have done quite a lot with my life, my career, my family. But during the quiet times, I have been spending these past few weeks, I have discovered that my current to-do lists are mostly bullshit. They make me feel good, but honestly, they don’t reflect my bigger goals and aspirations.
Those goals, those dreams are what I need to actually go and do. The list should be steps toward reaching that goal of publishing work, not spending time reading others lamenting that I could have written that as well. Instead, it must be the rough draft of my own passions for students, what I know to be true. Just do it. It can’t be pages of ideas for coursework, but instead, the actual plan of what we are going to do, no second-guessing, as my experience of over three decades really does mean something. Just do it.
My days should not be filled with Pinterest perfect meals or organized spaces. Instead, it’s food, and wine, and yes clutter, but the time spent with people not planning, as those are the memories that matter. Just do it. It shouldn’t be filled following others on Facebook or Instagram, wishing I was on that vacation or doing that whatever. It’s going to our local beaches, concerts, and places as in San Diego I live where most people would love to vacation. Just do it.
So although this summer is not what I planned, it is definitely what I needed to shake me up and realize that I have been hiding in what I should do, or lamenting what I wasn’t doing, instead of following my heart. So thank you universe for the message, I heard you and now I will just do it.