It has been six years today since I lost my dad. I couldn’t go to services last night to stand in remembrance because I was in the ER with my husband. He came down with a virus, and we spent a scary day in Urgent Care and then the Emergency Room trying to figure out the cause. Lots of tests, lots of worry, but no real answers. Luckily it seems to be something that will just run its course and get better on its own. He slept through the night last night and the fever has broken. But I sat in that room reminded that time is precious. I watched him sleep for quite a while last night, reminded that time is precious.
Why is it we feel we have enough time to wait to do things later, or someday? Why do we think we can schedule our way through life on a path of our own control? And finally, why do we waste so much time with trivial nonsense?
The day before Rob got sick we were beginning to plan our dream trip to Europe. We have put this trip off for years, this last postponement due to my mom’s illness. We thought we would have more time with her, but we didn’t. So we started to plan again this summer, and we continue to come up with reasons why we should wait. We can’t take all the time we would like to go, we should wait. We really don’t have the money to do all we want to do, so we should wait. We have things to work on at the house that need our attention and funds, we should wait. His parents aren’t well, what if they get sick? We should wait. Our kids need this or that, we should wait. Our kids, by the way, do not want or need us to wait, They are grown humans, and they travel often and are our biggest cheerleaders as we plan this adventure. So that one was easily crossed off the waitlist. But still, the bigger message revealed is this, the only choice we have in life is how to spend the here and now.
I think the biggest reason we wait is that we think we have control over time. That someday is a part of our seven-day week allotment, when in reality it is not. What I am beginning to realize is that the more I try to control every aspect of my life, the less control I have. I am a worrier by nature. I truly believe that in order for my world to run according to plan, I have to balance just the right amount of focus and worry on a situation to keep things afloat. It is exhausting, and it is a lie. At the end of the day, you have little control over what is happening in the world. I spend too much time in the future, worrying about what might happen, and not living in the moment. I am working on this, and let me tell you it is a process. You make plans and God laughs. Truth.
Losing my dad took part of my heart, and losing my mom this year reminded me yet again that we all have an expiration date. Sitting with my husband yesterday brought me headlong into the moment, the right now. It isn’t that I want to be morbid, but maybe mindful. We are lucky, he is going to be fine. But it is a reminder to stop waiting for the perfect time to do what you want to do.
So yes, we are going to take that trip. I am working on a savings plan to help us get there. I continue to cross things off my to-do list that don’t serve me anymore. Many times things on my list serve someone else’s agenda, not mine. The time I spend worrying about future things that may or may not happen are taking the time I should be spending with the people and tasks right in front of me. Planning for the future can be addicting, a way to cope with not dealing with what is right now. So as my summer officially ends this week, and the new school year will come at me with full force, I am mindful of doing less with more purpose.